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From the Desk of Rita Skeeter

Oct. 12th, 2007 04:44 pm Prisoner Abuse at Azkaban!!

By Rita Skeeter, Senior Correspondent

It has always been said, dear readers, that the measure of a society is in how it treats those who fall on the outside of the law. While our performance may not have been sterling during the last war it was a far sight better than our opponents, but alas, this humble reporter fears our standards have slipped drastically since then. A Prophet investigation has uncovered startling evidence that multiple detainees have gone unclothed and unfed at Azkaban due to the failure of booking Aurors to fill out the proper paperwork.

"Everything's shipped in out here, y'see, so we request our shipments based on how many prisoners our paperwork says we have," said John Derbey, head of acquisitions for the prison. "Only the booking Auror can fill out the paperwork, otherwise you'd have prisoners bribing right and left for extra food or a second blanket or whatnot. So when the booking Auror don't do his job, the prisoner don't exist in our system."

While the prospect of any prisoner going without food and clothing in Azkaban is horrific, the Prophet's investigation seems to indicate that a single Auror is responsible for booking the prisoners in question. One man is directly responsible for the institutionalized starvation of multiple prisoners. And not just any prisoners, but international prisoners. This is a huge breach the international norms that our wizarding world has always operated under.

"There are no treaties specifically relating to prisoner treatment," said Irving Jones, an expert in international wizarding law. "However, countries have almost always stuck to humane treatment of prisoners and any operation that takes place on foreign soil absolutely must have that country's approval before taking prisoners."

Even more startling, loyal readers, than the starvation and possible illegal detainment of international prisoners, is that it appears that at least one of the men in question may in fact be innocent! The Prophet has been unable to identify this person, but it appears that one of the four detainees brought in over the past week is no longer present in Azkaban Prison. Given that we here at the Prophet cannot find any evidence of a transfer from Azkaban, the logical conclusion is that this individual is no longer in MLE custody.

"I can not speak to the prisoner in question, but I can confirm a breach of protocol with relation to paperwork at Azkaban," said an MLE representative, who declined to be named. "This will not be tolerated and disciplinary action will certainly be taken."

We here at the Prophet can only hope that the MLE makes good on its promise to punish the Auror responsible for shaming British Wizarding Society. We invite anyone with more information about this story to contact the Prophet offices to share their accounts.

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Oct. 8th, 2007 01:49 pm Private Post

Intern Notes: Niobe McGonagall

The girl's a hard worker, I'll give her that. She has a way of uncovering information that reminds me of myself at her age. I have to admit I rather like her, despite her idealism. She has spirit. The idealism will fade with time and experience, and once it has she'll make a good

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Oct. 1st, 2007 11:59 am Minister Avoids Girlfriend's Funeral

Yesterday's tragic funeral of Hermione Jane Granger, murdered in her own home by a pack of werewolves (of which two are rumored to still be at large), was unfortunately closed to the press. However this humble reporter was present at the entrance to Highgate Cemetery in London and noticed something very odd indeed about the guests in attendance.

Of course Miss Granger's family and friends were all present, including our hero Harry Potter and Auror Ron Weasley, father of Miss Granger's daughter. Faculty and staff from Hogwarts, where Miss Granger taught Arithmancy, were also amongst the attendees. Conspicuously absent was the Minister of Magic, who has been known to be dating Miss Granger for almost a year.

Why would Julian Knightly avoid the funeral of the woman he supposedly loved? Is our Minister in denial over the death of his girlfriend? Our sources tell us that Minister Knightly also did not attend the viewing on Saturday and has not gone to pay his respects to the family. We here at the Prophet must question whether a man in denial is fit to be running our fair country.

Sep. 27th, 2007 11:50 am Werewolves Attack!

What very scary times we live in, loyal readers. How can anyone feel safe in their beds when just last night Hermione Jane Granger, one of our beloved heroines from the last war and girlfriend of our own Minister Knightly, was brutally murdered in her own home? How can anyone venture outside when the home of Remus Lupin, another war hero and werewolf, was also attacked? How can anyone go about their lives when there are rumors of a third attack and one or more yet unidentified fatalities?

At this very moment three to four bodies lie in the St. Mungo's morgue, victims of werewolf attacks. A child is left motherless and at the tender mercies of her estranged fathers after having witnessed the brutal death of her mother. Remus Lupin is severely wounded in St. Mungo's Dark Creatures Wing. And these are just the three most recent- werewolf attacks have been on the rise over the past year.

When will these crimes be solved? How many more must be lost before our government will act to protect it's citizens? "The lot of 'em ought to be locked up on the moon, if you ask me," said Aloiysus Whipple, a resident on the outskirts of London. "I've not let my family out of my sight since those attacks on Tiberius Ogdon and Newt Scamander last November and I spend each full awake with me wand and silver gun."

What wolves are responsible for these heinous attacks? There are mankillers on the loose in our fair land, loyal readers. It is imperative that we all take precautions to secure our homes and our loved ones against further attack. We here at the Prophet will be taking the advice of the Werewolf Protection Guide published on page 5 of today's paper and we advise our readers to do the same. Our most heartfelt condolences go out to the family and friends of Hermione Granger and especially to her daughter, Lily.

Page 5 of the Prophet advises all readers to carry the following at all times: a loaded gun with a silver bullet, a sprig of wolfsbane and a pitchfork (for use if the worst should happen and the first two weapons are ineffective)

Sep. 9th, 2007 08:01 am Links Between the Hogwarts Madman and Albus Dumbledore?

By Rita Skeeter, Senior Correspondent

It is possible, dear readers, that the madman behind the eventful travels of the Hogwarts Express this past saturday may have links to our very own Albus Dumbledore! The crazed hijacker is reported to be one Aberforth Dumbledore, the younger brother of our own paragon of virtue. The hijacking, which nearly caused the deaths of all students on board when the train was intentionally derailed over one of the many lochs that cut the Scottish countryside. Only the heroic actions of Filius Flitwick, Charms professor, saved the day. (The memorial service for Professor Flitwick will be today at 1pm on the grounds of Hogwarts.)

One must wonder, dear readers, how such an exalted member of our community could have such a relation. The actions of the younger Dumbledore stand in stark contrast to the wisdom and strength of the elder. This reporter saw with her own eyes the juvenile spoken curses flung at the arresting Aurors by Aberforth when he was discharged in chains from the train at Hogsmeade. There are also rumors of a large banner hung from the train shortly after Aberforth gained control, the contents of which will not be repeated in these pages.

The Prophet has found that Aberforth was, until a few months ago, the barman at the Hog's Head in Hogsmeade. Few remarked upon his disappearance, but one must wonder what might have caused him to leave a stable job and where he disappeared to before reemerging to hijack the Hogwarts Express. One must also wonder, dear readers, what grudge might have prompted him to commit such an act.

Sep. 2nd, 2007 05:10 pm Interoffice Airplane Memo: Niobe McGonagall

I've just turned in my story and I'm going down to the Cauldron for a drink.  Would you like to come?  We still need to go through the terms of your internship and get you set up with some official duties.  I'd like for you to eventually take over the type of story that I just wrote, as that will free me up to work on more in depth pieces, but we can talk it over in more detail.  Meet me in the lobby in 10 minutes.

Sep. 2nd, 2007 05:01 pm Madman Hijacks Hogwarts Express

By Rita Skeeter, Senior Correspondent

The normally peaceful travels of the Hogwarts Express were rudely interrupted yesterday when a yet unidentified man gained access to the engine and derailed the train as it crossed one of the many lochs which cut across the Scottish countryside.  The train (and its precious cargo of children) might have been lost forever to the cold depths were it not for the heroics of Filius Flitwick, the longtime Hogwarts Charms professor who levitated all 15 of the carriages back onto the track without thought for his own safety.  It is with the deepest sorrow, dear readers, that we here at the Prophet report on the subsequent death of Professor Flitwick, presumably from the strain of attempting such a large magical working.

"He was quite old," said Emma Chatterjee, a former student of Flitwick's.  "I thought he'd planned on retiring a few years back, actually.  He was a wonderful professor though, patient and understanding and he had an innate knowledge of how to teach effectively."

The heroics of Flitwick allowed for the school prefects to overpower the madman in the engine and the train continued under Auror escort to Hogsmeade where this humble reporter witnessed an elderly man removed in chains from the first carriage.  Aurors at the scene refused to comment on the identity of the prisoner.  We assure you, dear readers, that we at the Prophet are doing all that we can to find out and we will, of course, pass this on as soon as we know.  

Minister Knightly, however, did have a comment on the affair.  "The Ministry is doing everything it can to safeguard our most important resource, our children.  We will be increasing the Auror presence around Hogwarts and Hogsmeade and thoroughly investigating how this person gained control of the Express.  Rest assured that this will not happen again."

Despite the Minister's assurances, one must wonder how this happened at all.  Who is this mystery man and what connections does he have?  Was he acting alone or at another's bidding?  In these uncertain times, dear readers, can we trust that our children will be safe if we are not personally looking after them?

Sep. 2nd, 2007 03:32 pm Interoffice Airplane Memo to Niobe McGonagall

Niobe, see what you can dig up as to the identity of this madman.  It won't make today's deadline, but if you can find something juicy I'll use it later in the week.  Start with the reference to Albus.


PS- You're doing a wonderful job, dearie.  Keep up the good work.

Sep. 1st, 2007 05:17 pm Express Owl Posts: Barney James, Niobe McGonagall

Hold tomorrow's issue, Barney, or plan a special edition.  I've just gotten word that the Hogwarts Express is floating over a loch somewhere in Scotland.  I'm going in, and I'm taking Niobe with me.  This'll be a good story for her to get her feet wet on.


You've got the position and you start now.  Meet me in Hogsmeade immediately, I'll fill you in when you arrive.  
Rita Skeeter

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Aug. 29th, 2007 09:25 pm Transcript of Applicant Interview

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Right, thank you for coming in today- *shuffling of papers*- Niobe. This isn't going to be anything formal, so just relax and be yourself. This is Barney James, he's one of our editors here at the Prophet and of course you know me.

Now tell me, Niobe, why did you apply for our investigative internship?

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